Domestic Tranquility – The Introduction

Guys are different from women!  Geez!  What moron doesn’t know that!  And there is nothing subtle about the differences.  Women have graceful curves that have fascinated guys since the dawn of creation.  And, even as Cro-Magnon, guys were visually oriented beings looking at the differences and trying their best, with their limited gray matter capacity, to understand the urges they felt when they took time from their primary duty, which was (and still is) goofing off, to notice the female of the species.  And they noticed any time the female was in eye shot!  Their heads automatically turned as if on some swivel device.  So, the physical differences between guys and women have been long recognized, glorified, laughed at, and ingrained for thousands of years.

What the caveman and the modern man have in common is that neither of them (or for that matter, none of their evolutionary brethren) understood the non-physical differences between guys and women.  Men are very simple organisms.  Their minds are just not well developed.  God must have been badly distracted the day guys were created.  (Please note that I did not prescribe a gender to God.  God could be a he or a she!  Am I gender sensitive or what?)  Some parts were left out of the guy machine…and while it runs, it is not very efficient.  Guy thoughts are centered towards three primary needs: Sex, Food, and the Remote for the TV! (In the caveman period, the remote was substituted by hitting each other in the head with their spears and sticks they found on the ground.)  Nothing would please most guys more than to have a split screen TV with the big game on one side and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit video on the other with an extra large, extra cheese pepperoni pizza and a twelve-pak of Bud.  This would the Super Bowl of Life for most real guys!

Women, on the other hand, were created when God was at a peak of brilliance.  Not only were they blessed with a better-looking exterior shell, they were given more brains (and the capacity to use them), feelings, thoughts, and a nesting and maternal instinct men cannot believe or understand!  It sounds totally out of balance for God to have given women so much and men so little.  So, on sixth evening, just before resting, God realized a small boo-boo might have been made!  At that point, God decided to make guys a little more physically strong than women to make up for their many other inadequacies.  So,  now, God surmised,  women would have a small, but important, need for guys.  Without the physical and strength advantages guys have, they would be useless.  If a woman could get her vibrator to take out the garbage (or cut the grass) and if a woman could procreate on her own (like snails), guys would have been pictures in the history book of evolution thousands of years ago!

Volumes have been written by very intelligent women (and a few guys with genetic defects that somehow enhanced their brain power) on the subject of relationships between guys and women.  Planetary metaphors (Mars and Venus), feeling statements (Getting What You Want), Dr Phil etc., etc., have attempted to explain the undeniable truths that define the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual differences between guys and women.  But, these writings are just too complicated for most guys to understand what they are reading.  How many guys do you know that have read the book by the famous physicist about the black hole in space…or some such nonsense?  My point exactly!  If the book isn’t about sex or sports figures, like Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning, Tiger and others, guys are not going to pick it up……unless it is hiding the remote and they have to move it aside.  Give a guy something simple…preferably with pictures…and you have a small (as in, tiny!) chance to make a point.  While this guide will not have any pictures, I will attempt to keep it really, really simple for the average guy.  Hopefully, if they read very s-l-o-w-l-y, and concentrate really h-a-r-d (during the commercials as long as they are not beer or GoDaddy.com commercials), they might actually learn something that will make it easier for them to get along with their wife, significant other (what a cuckoo phrase…it must have been invented by a frustrated feminist), girl friend, daughter, or female co-worker.  After all, guys want a state of harmony in which to practice their goofing off.  They definitely do not want to have the stresses in their lives that come whenever they stick their foot in their mouths and wind up on top of their lady’s shit list.  The problem is that no one has taken the time to explain to guys how to avoid getting on the list.  That’s where this guide comes in! 

I am a guy that fumbled through relationships all my life….until the electricity went out on a lonely, rainy Saturday afternoon and the TV shut down, a long time ago.  Since I was out of beer and Tostitos (and I had “read”  my girl friend’s Victoria Secret catalog three times the previous evening and once that morning), I was left with nothing to do.  So, for reasons I will never understand, I started to think about stuff!  At first, I got a headache!  But, when it went away and I started to think about the fight my girl friend, Marge, and I had the previous afternoon.  All I said was, “Honey, are you putting on a few pounds?”….and, then, all Hell broke loose.  Man, was she pissed at me! I just could not understand what the problem was.  Then it dawned on me that, maybe, just maybe, I could have stated the obvious a little better.  Something like, “Honey, did the dry cleaner shrink your dress a little?”  Or, “Babe, let’s go for some low fat food tonight!”  That would have been better!  Right?  Right?!?!  So, I called my sister to ask her opinion.  Well, she called me a total dork and an insensitive putz!  When I said, “What?”, she cursed me for ten minutes, but took the time to explain to me how I must have sounded to Marge.  A little light came on in my head.  Maybe she was right!  When I got all ten of my brain cells working together on the problem, I soon realized that I could say things in a different way and not piss off Marge.  I figured out the answer that all guys can understand when it is explained simply.  Women would call it lying! Guys call it trying not to hurt their lady’s feelings and keeping out of the deep stuff. But, that’s the whole deal!  Innocent, little white lies!  And do it with a straight face.  If you don’t, it will backfire on you and then you are in deeper shit, for sure!

Of course, the fact is that since women are smarter than guys, they know about these little lies that we use to attempt to maintain domestic tranquility and balance.  They let guys do it because they realize guys are deficient.  What really gets them mad is when guys lie and are not even a tiny bit convincing or seemingly sincere.  And, even though they are smarter, there is always a possibility (it could happen, really!!!!) that the guy is telling the truth!  That small measure of uncertainty on the part of women is what saves most guys’ butts from eternal damnation!  Let’s use a simple example to demonstate my point.

            You come home from a hard day at the office where you had to deal with assholes  all day long!  You are exhausted and in need of a beer and a few minutes in front of the TV to unwind.  Your wife has purchased a new item to enhance the living room and has strategically placed it in the room (perhaps, after hours of arranging and re-arranging—but that’s  another story!).  You hate it at first sight, but your tiny brain is hinting, “Caution, Bob, Caution!”  How do you respond to her question, “How do you like this new item I’ve purchased…..I just love it!” 

            – (A)     How much did that piece of crap cost?
            – (B)     Whoooo!  It looks like someone has been visiting the second-                          hand store!
            – (C)    Put it on the back burner, Honey, I’m pooped!  What’s
                         for dinner?
            – (D)    I never thought the living room could look better than it did                           this morning when I left for work, but I was wrong!

What did you choose? If you chose (A), (B), or (C), you really need help!  If you chose (D), you have the selected the best option.  Your wife may think you are bullshiting her, BUT there is that element of chance that you could be telling the truth.  So, you are home free…as long as you don’t immediately do something really stupid, like say, “Babe, let’s hit the bedroom!  Little Buddy is ready to rock and roll!”

Each chapter of this guide will discuss an important subject that guys need to understand.  It will start with a description of the subject, explain the differences between how guys and women view the subject, and then offer a couple of examples, like the one we just discussed!  You had better pay attention to the explanations if you have any hope to succeeding in your relationships with women. 

The Constitution of the United States provides for domestic tranquility for citizens of our society.  Guys know that…some middle school teacher told us years ago and we believe it.  But, we never really  learned (because we were too busy watching Joanie’s boobs all the time) that we had to work very hard at domestic tranquility within relationships.  Domestic Tranquility might be a constitutional right, but it doesn’t come without some investment of energy in relationships.

So, all you guys out there, settle back on the sofa, push the mute button (it’s too much to ask for you to actually turn the TV off), grab a beer and some Doritios, and try to take it one situation at a time!  If you work real hard, you could finish the guide in a few months!  And, if you can learn just one thing that will take your foot out of your mouth just one time, it will be worth it!  Now, let’s start….s-l-o-w-l-y!

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One response to “Domestic Tranquility – The Introduction

  1. this was so much fun to read! good one!

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