Some things are better left unsaid……but, what the hell, let’s give it a shot, anyway! Today, I had a doctor’s appointment with a specialist to discuss a lingering problem. The specialist was an Urologist! These guys have some of the most medieval tools you have ever seen….if you know what I mean. And, if that tells you all you need to know, then read no further! But, if you are just a little interested, read on at your own peril!
The appointment was a 2:30pm and I was told to arrive early to complete the necessary paperwork. Well, I arrived at 1:30pm hoping the doc would be running early (what was I thinking!). Since I had completed some of the “registration” online, all they really needed was my insurance card (something doctors like to call “the jackpot“). I sat in the clinically sterile waiting-room, reading an old issue of People Magazine as my blood pressure began to rise as the anxiety built. Lucky me, the doc was, in fact, running a little ahead of schedule and I got into the “cube” about 2:05pm. At that point, a young lab techie came in and asked for a urine sample for testing. As it turns out, about 5 minutes before I was invited into the cube, I had made another run to the head for a final whiz! Nervous, you know! I told the young lady that I would give it a try, but there were no guarantees!! I was, ultimately, able to squeeze out about a thimble…just enough for her to do the “dip test” confirming that there was no blood in my urine; and there were no creepy, crawly bacteria type things making a home inside my bladder and urethra.
Then, she proceeded to take my blood pressure! Have you heard the term “white coat” blood pressure? Spikes in blood pressure are common when patients are in a doctor’s office, nervously awaiting the message that they are about to die! I warned, Miss Nursie, to expect it to be high…..but, to my surprise it was not too bad. 125 over 84 is pretty good for a guy waiting to see the urologist! At 2:35, the doctor strolls into the cube and says, “How’s it going?” Well the short answer is, “If I was doing great, I wouldn’t be here, dick-head!!” But, I didn’t say what I was thinking….we just exchanged pleasantries, getting to know each other. What you might call “medical foreplay!”
After a couple of minutes, he asked me to strip to the waist and put on a paper gown. Then, he proceeded to snap on the rubber gloves as I lay on the examining table defenseless against his advances on my body! After, punching around on my tummy, he checked “Little Bobby” out, and gently fondled Little Bobby’s buddies, the jewels!
Finally, he whispered for me to roll on my side and he began to explore parts of my anatomy that should not be touched by anybody’s hands! As I grimaced, he had his way with me…and then, just like that, it was over!
As I put my clothes on, I wondered why he did not offer me a glass of wine or, at least, a cigarette after our encounter. But, no………….he was off to the next poor sap; and I was routed to the exit after making my insurance co-payment! Kind of a “slam-blam, thank you, ma’am” experience!!!
The good news is: There was no bad news! But, I will not be looking forward to visiting the Urologist again any time soon!
P.S. Jane told me what I went through was nothing compared to the annual visit to the gynecologist!! (I don’t know about that!!!!!!!!)