Domestic Tranquility – Guys & Shopping

One of the biggest differences between guys and women is the chasm that exists between the manner in which guys and women shop for things….anything!  Guys minds will not allow them to think of anything related to shopping except, “How fast can I get the hell out of here?”  Guys basically think of shopping as a total waste of time.  Time that could be using  to goof off!  Not only does it take away from goofing off time, it generally cost money!  Sometimes, lots of money!  Money that could have been spent goofing off!  Therefore, guys will do almost anything, including faking a heart attack, to avoid the mall.

Women, on the other hand, go through a kind of religious experience when approaching the mall.  It is as if the mighty hand of St. Macy’s descends from the skies and gently pulls them into a dream state where time is of no consequence.  A dream state that is incomplete unless she has been in every store in the mall and touched every piece of merchandise St. Macy’s has to offer.  Then, and only then, is the experience (for that day) complete.  Women are in Heaven at the mall!  Men are in Hell at the mall!

Let’s take a minute to review the different styles of shopping.  Suppose a guy needs a pair of shoes.   HE knows the size is 9 and the width is ‘C’ (or something close).  These shoes are for wearing at the office and they need to be brown.  Simple!  HE goes to the first shoe store in the mall, finds a pair of brown shoes ON SALE that fit, pays the cashier, and hits the door!  The whole thing can take HIM less than five minutes!  And HE thinks, “Wow! I got some extra time left to goof off!”

Now let’s contrast that same scenario if the guy is shopping with his wife for the same shoes. Remember these shoes will be on his feet, will be stuffed in the back of his closet, and will never be polished by him! But, now THEY are now looking for the perfect pair of brown, wing-tip, size 9-C leather shoes for him!  THEY look at each pair of brown shoes that the store has to offer.  THEY will try on several pair and walk past the little mirror on the floor to see how the shoes look.  THEY will compare several pairs of shoes and, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, THEY will select the best pair the store has to offer.  At this point, the guy is exhausted and praying that the store catches of fire so he can get of the place!  He is ready to pay regardless of the price just to get out of the store before she decides that he really needs cordovan shoes instead of brown!  He says, “Honey, I think the shoes you selected are great!  I’ll just go pay for them so we can get home!”  He can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  He approaches the cash register, credit card in hand!  Just as he thrusts it towards the clerk, the light turns into a fast-moving freight train when she says, “But, Sugar, there is another shoe store just down the mall a little way.  I think we should look there, too!.  They may have a better pair of shoes for you!”  An aneurism is about to burst in the guy’s head!  He bites his tongue to keep from lashing out with a string of obscenities that would make Quentin Tarantino cringe.  He restrains himself enough to beg, saying, “But, I like these shoes!  I doubt that we can find anything better!”  To which, she replies, “Maybe!  But, we will never know unless we go to see!” (“Maybe” in wife-ese means “You’re wrong, dumbass!”  I know it; and soon you will know it, too!)  At this point, the white surrender flag comes out and the guy, whose shoulders have now slumped to the point that he looks like a melted snowman, turns and walks out of the store following behind his wife, leaving what he thought was a great pair of shoes.  Off THEY go to the next store to shop, continuing the quest  for the perfect pair of shoes.  Incidentally, one hour and 15 minutes have passed!  Goof-off time wasted!!

This could go on for another store or two until she decides it is time to go home (there is probably some yard work waiting for her guy)!  When her internal shopping clock goes off, she will decide which pair of shoes THEY really wanted to buy.  It is not uncommon for them to go back to the first store and purchase the first pair of shoes that THEY liked.  By, now the guy is reduced to a shadow of his manliness with drool forming in the corners of his mouth!  But, thankfully, it is finally over!

The point is that women view shopping in a totally different way than men.  Maybe it is their way of “goofing off”!  But whatever it is for women, it is the exact opposite for guys!  Some of the luckier guys get to sit on the benches that merchants put in the mall specifically for guys who, somehow, have gotten out of going with their wives into the stores.  Maybe those are the guys that successfully faked the heart attacks!  Regardless, they all share one thing in common.  Mall Gaze!  That empty, expressionless look of dismay, disbelief, and exhaustion that accompanies a guy on any trip to the mall.  They look like the living dead from some low-budget, “B” horror movie!

Guys see shopping as an unpleasant task that is to be completed as quickly as possible with a minimum of stress….even if what they leave the store with is not exactly what they wanted!  So, ladies, have mercy on your guy; and don’t drag him to the mall!  Leave him at home with the remote!  Trust me, he will love you more for excluding him from the experience!

2 responses to “Domestic Tranquility – Guys & Shopping

  1. Shop in a store? Ain’t you heard of the internet?

  2. No doubt…the ‘net has saved a few marriages!

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