++Barack Obama returns to America after a two-year trip around the world and tells Oprah that he wishes he had run for president in 2008 instead of pulling out of the race to visit his grandmother. President Hillary Clinton said that she did not even notice Obama was gone and announced that her pants-suit photo shoot for Cosmopolitan Magazine had been postponed because they could not find a camera lenses big enough for her…..(wait for it!)…..ego!
++In sports, the Kansas City Royals announced the acquisition of the entire New York Yankee line-up and are now considered a sure bet to compete for the pennant in the American League; meanwhile, Tiger Woods withdrew from the Masters to take lessons from Freddy on how to hit a tee shot straight!
++The Dow Jones tops 20,000 for the first time as the UAW, SEIU, AFL-CIO, and other unions voluntarily suspended all dues from members, offered a wage/benefit cut of 30%, and announced that they will not contribute any money to Democratic Party political candidates in the future. They also apologized for screwing the American public for the past 50 years and bankrupting the auto industry!
++Israel and the Arab League have united to overthrow Ahmadinejad (aka A-Jad) and welcome all Christians to worship anywhere, at anytime. Jihadists also plan to lay down arms and compete with each other for the Nobel Peace Prize!
++Kenneth Schmuck, a mechanic and part-time proctologist in Intercourse, PA, won $500 Million in the Powerball lottery and announced that he was giving all the money to Warren Buffet, who is giving the money to Bill Gates, who is giving the jackpot to Whoopi Goldberg to finance her campaign trying to convince Bill O’Reilly that there is not a Muslim problem in the world!
++Congress has agreed to a “balanced budget amendment” and a reduction of 15% in federal spending!!!
++In a unanimous vote, the city council of San Francisco adopted a measure outlawing same-sex marriages! There was considerable stamping of feet, fretting, and fussing throughout the city as brightly clad protesters hit the streets in “full hissy” mode!
++Donald Trump’s hair has escaped and was last seen loping across the Triborough Bridge heading for Queens! And, donkeys are flying over Manhattan!