It all started when Jane cut the tip off the middle finger of her right hand (the one she uses when she opines on my misdeeds) in a bizarre razor-related incident in the bath tub! I was not witness to the event, but the sight of her own blood spun Jane onto a wave of nausea that required crushed ice and Coke to stem the urge to spread Cajun gumbo all over the bathroom floor! (But, that is a story for another day!) As a result of her injured hand and her subsequent inability to assist me in moving the Christmas tree (properly secured with cling wrap) from our game room to the attic, it was necessary for me to solicit the aid of our neighbor, Julio “down by the schoolyard,” to help me wrestle the beast up the stairs to the second floor of our home! The tree is about 8 feet tall, won’t go through our doors, bangs into ceiling fans, and is adorned with Jane’s precious decorative treasures from Christmases past. No, the tree depicted to the right is NOT our tree, but it does look pretty festive, doesn’t it? Julio was on the lower side of the tree as we ascended the staircase while I attempted to guide this rudderless ship through the narrows of walls, hanging pictures, and railings. Near the top of the stairs, I stumbled and Julio, the tree, and I almost tumbled down the stairs…..which would have been a HUGE disaster! Fortunately, Julio was able to keep the tree upright and disaster was avoided.
Next, we moved the tree past the treadmill (which is rarely used) and through the attic door. Over the years, we have replaced our old TV’s with new flat-screen digital models in hopes of selling the “tubes” for a little cash. It didn’t happen…..I cannot understand why folks don’t want 50 lb. TV’s that get lousy pictures! So, the next obstacle was the old furniture, storage boxes, and miscellaneous crap accumulated over the years. Ultimately, Julio and I positioned the tree to rest for another year.
Let’s get back to the “cling wrap” on the tree! A few years ago, after an expletive laced session of taking ornaments off the tree and putting those we did not break back into their boxes to be stored away for almost a year to repeat the process, I came up with the brilliant idea of leaving the ornaments on the tree and, securely, mummifying the tree with Saran Wrap! Everything held position nicely and cutting the Saran Wrap off is a helluva lot easier than re-decorating the tree. Despite Jane’s reservations, it worked like a charm….I highly recommend you try it next year! Saves many hours of time that could be spent drinking, watching the NFL, or doing what guys do best…….nothing!
It is finally over….for another year! And while I did not really break my hip, I did strain my back and have jeopardized my golf game! Happy Frigging Holidays!!!!!